Now I’m getting really excited about the upcoming release. So much so, I thought I’d rummage out a catch-up interview I conducted with my protagonist in the autumn … of 1973 …
This wasn’t my first time on the muddy tracks of the Forestry Commission but, as I left the clearing and pushed deeper into the wood, I almost tripped over them. I saw my protagonist first. It was hard to pretend that either he or his two companions were pleased to see me, but I had a job to do.
‘Haven’t you even heard of mosquito repellent?’ came the greeting. Ignoring the quips and glares, I took him to one side and began by asking how he was getting on with his female lead.
‘You know full well how I’m getting on with her, you idiot,’ he said. ‘First you have my wife walk out on me, now I’ve got to contend with an absolute psycho.’ He did have a point, but I put on a smile and asked him about his new neighbour. His face said it all. ‘Look, I think we’ve all established how much you hate me. Couldn’t you just swap them round, have my female lead move in in her place? At least I can just about cope with her. What do you mean, you can’t change the plot now? You’ve changed enough other stuff. What about the old chap’s backstory? I preferred the original, you know.’
When I asked him about training, though, he actually perked up. ‘That’s probably the only good thing you have done for me,’ he said. ‘I’ve never been so fit. I’m only surprised you haven’t had me break an ankle yet — and don’t get any ideas.’ When I pointed out all the positive things I’d done for him, he simply waved a hand. ‘Whatever you’re buttering me up for, you can save your breath. I know you. You’ve given me a **** home life and PTSD, whatever that is.’ I told him to wait for the double-twist at the end, but at that point there was a commotion. ‘Sounds like they’re coming,’ he said. ‘You’d better clear off. And try not to make my life any worse.’
I couldn’t help but feel a twang of guilt as I made my way back to the car …
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